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How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Cum poti sa-ti dai seama ca sotia iti este moarta?

Sexul e la fel, dar stiva de vase se mareste.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

O femeie de 35 de ani se gandeste sa aibe copii. Ce gandeste un barabt la 35 de ani?

Sa-si dea intalnire cu copii.

A bear was taking a dump in the forest next to a rabbit. He turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have problems with crap sticking to your fur?" "Nope," answers the rabbit, and the bear immediately picked the rabbit up and wiped its butt with it.

Un urs isi facea nevoile in padure langa un iepure. Se intoarce la iepure si il intreaba. Ai vreo problema cu rahatul lipit de blana? Nu, raspunde iepurele, ...dupa care ursul il lua pe iepure pe sus si se sterse cu el la fund!

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was upset to say the least.“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”The husband began “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you were afraid you’d put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but never wore because you say they were too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you didn’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you refused to wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and wouldn’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”The husband took a quick breath and continued “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please… do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?” 

Sotia veni devreme acasa si isi gasi sotul in dormitor facand dragoste cu o tanara foarte atractiva. Femeia foarte suparata, printre lacrimi ii spuse: Eti un porc nesimtit! Cum indraznesti sa-mi faci una ca asta? O sotie fidela, mama copiilor tai! Te parasesc, vreau sa divortez! Sotul ii raspunde: Asteapta cateva minute iubire, ca sa-ti pot spune ce s-a intamplat. Bine, da-i drumul a spus ea suspinand, dar vor fi ultimele cuvinte pe care mi le spui. Sotul incepe: ei bine, ma pregateam sa merg la masina sa vin acasa, si aceasta tanara d-soara m-a rugat sa o duc pana undeva. Parea asa trista si fara aparare, incat mi s-a facut mila de ea si am lasat-o sa urce. Am observat ca era foarte slaba, nu prea bine imbracata si foarte murdara. Mi-a zis ca nu mancase de vreo trei zile . Asa ca mi s-a facut mila de ea si am adus-o acasa , am incalzit enchiladele ce le-am facut pt tine seara trecuta, cele pe care tu nu le mananci de frica sa nu te ingrasi. Saraca fiinta le-a devorat in cateva momente. Din vreme ce avea nevoie de o curatare, i-am sugerat un dus, si in timp ce facea dus am observat ca hainele sale erau foarte murdare si pline de gauri, asa ca le-am aruncat. Apoi, avand nevoie de haine, i-am dat jeansii tai de firma pe care ii ai de cativa ani, dar nu i-ai purtat niciodata deoarece ai spus ca sunt prea stramti. I-am dat deasemenea lenjeria intima ce ai ti-am facut-o cadou la aniversarea ta, pe care nu ai purtat-o niciodata pt ca eu nu am gusturi bune si nu ti-a placut. Am gasit bluza sexy pe care sora mea ti-a drauit-o de Craciun si pe care ai refuzat s-o porti doar ca sa o enervezi, si i-am dat si cizmele pe care le-ai cumparat de la buticul acela scump si nu le-ai purtat deloc deoarece cineva de la tine de la servici are acelasi model. Sotul lua aer in piept si continua: A fost asa de recunoscatoare pt compasiunea si de ajutorul de care am dat dovada, ca in timp ce am condus-o la usa, s-a intors catre mine, cu lacrimi in ochi  si mi-a spus : Va rog, mai aveti ceva ce sotia d-vs nu foloseste?

Can you spare just $2? Timmy is a nine year old boy living in Detroit. He has only one leg, one arm and one eye. Each day he has to ride seven miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – it’s fucking hilarious.

Puteti sa va lipsiti de doar doi dolari? Timmy este un baietel de 9 ani care locuieste in Detroit. Are numai un picior, o singura mana si doar un ochi. In fiecare zi trebuie sa mearga 7 mile pana la scoala pe un drum ingust, cu o bicicleta ruginita, cu roti indoite, fara frane si cu o singura pedala. Daca ne trimiti 2 dolari, iti vom trimite filmul- este de-a dreptul hilar!!!

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said “My husband wants me to ask you…” The doctor interrupts “I know… I know…” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it…” the woman confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.

O femeie insarcinata cu primul sau copil, merge la consult la obsetrician. Dupa examinare, ea spune timida: Sotul meu vrea sa va intreb. Doctorul o intrerupe: Stiu....stiu....si isi pune o mana la ea pe umar. Tot timpul primesc aceasta intrebare. Sexul este permis si cand sarcina este avansata. Nu, nu asta...marturisi femeia. El vrea sa stie daca mai pot tunde peluza.

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument over which gender enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything!” the woman countered. “Think about this… when your ear itches and you put your finger in it to scratch, then pull it out, which feels better – your ear or your finger?”

Un barbat si o femeie beau impreuna cateva paharele cand au inceput sa se certe in legatura cu cine se simte mai bine atunci cand face sex, femeia sau barbatul. Barbatul spuse : Cu siguranta barbatii se simt mai bine cand fac sex. De ce crezi ca suntem asa de obsedati sa ne-o tragem? Asta nu dovedeste nimic, replica femeia . Gandeste-te asa....cand te mananca urechea si iti bagi degetul in ea, scarpini si il scoti apoi afara, cine se simte mai bine? - degetul sau urechea?

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t figure out where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

Un barbat merge la supermarket si zareste o femeie atractiva facandu-i cu mana. Merge la ea, si ea il saluta calduros. El este uimit pt ca nu stie de unde o cunoaste. Asa ca ii spune: Ma cunoasteti? La care ea ii raspunde: Cred ca esti tatal unui copil de-al meu. Mintea lui zboara inapoi la singura data cand a fost infidel sotiei si spune: Esti stripper-a de la petrecerea burlacilor cu care am avut sex pe masa de biliard, cu toti prietenii mei care se uitau la noi, iar partenerul tau ma pleznea la fund cu o telina uda? Ea se uita in ochii lui si spune calm. Nu, ...sunt profesoara copilului d-vs.

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, “What are these things daddy?” His dad said, “Condoms son.” The boy asked, “Why do they come in packs of 1, 3 and 12?” The dad replied, “The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night. The ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March…”

Un baietel si tatal sau erau intr-un magazin cand au trecut pe langa un raft cu prezervative. Fiind curios din fire, baiatul isi intreaba tatal. Ce sunt acestea tata? Tatal ii raspunde: Prezervative fiule. Baiatul intreaba : De ce sunt in pachete de cate 1, 3 si 12? Tatal ii raspunde: Pachetele cu cate 1 buc sunt pentru baietii de liceu, una pt sambata seara. Cele cu cate 3 buc sunt pt baietii de facultate, una pt vineri, sambata si duminica. Si cele cu 12 buc sunt pt barbatii insurati, una pt ianuarie, februarie, martie.....etc..

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, “What the hell are you two doing?” His wife turns to the stranger and says, “I told you he was stupid.”

Un barbat vine acasa de la munca, intra in dormitor si vede un strain care facea dragoste cu nevasta-sa. El spune. Ce dracu’ faceti aici? Sotia se intoarce catre strain si spune: Ti-am zis ca e prost gramada!